Tag Archives: voice

A voice

9 May

I started this blog to give myself a voice and to practice my writing, which has been woefully neglected. Writing, my style of writing at least, requires courage and the willingness to bear the pain of parting with silent words, prying it like plaque around my heart.

It has helped tremendously, even though I can only count two people as my subscribers – opting to be anonymous, save for a great friend. What can I say, I had to tell somebody, besides she’s been after me to write for a really long time.

It has been hard to write for the past 2 weeks: I was buried in technical details of pushing and pulling from Git, reading about Canada tax law, late night conversations with D about how work is affecting our personal life, tensions with D over my work pace – apparently, too slow for him but I suspect everything I do is slow compared to the dynamo that he is.

I always promised myself and D that when it matters – because we did discuss that because of our differing personalities, he will most likely bulldoze me – I will fight for what I believe. So, I fought, cried, walked out, walked back in, fought some more. And when it was over, more tears, hugs.

So, I’m tired. And I realize that I still have a voice, whether it’s in this blog or in my marriage. I exaggerate, I had it all along but I always fear of losing as I had in my past long-term relationship. I have to credit D for tirelessly pushing: “Why are you upset? It can’t be nothing, what is it?”

After all, we, women, have a talent for putting a whole world of meaning to the word, “nothing.” And men, usually just want to move on, after all they deal in absolutes. Not D, bless him. But it has been cathartic – by pouring my heart out, I found I was empty of things to say in front of the computer.

But I do want this writing voice, so I have to try and to keep writing. In the meantime, pardon the false starts, the seemingly unfinished yet published posts and the randomness of most of it.