Level 10

14 Jul

Stress brought me here. Or at least a few weeks ago right after a US visa appointment. You might wonder why and how. How stressful does one have to be in order for the body to say “Enough. Rest or I will make you.”

By now, the memory of the pain that I harbored for 3 days from an infected cyst has faded. Once again, I look at my body as invincible and indestructible. I have never been a sickly person, and even when I was, I shouldered on. Once, I went for a whole week, suffering from high fever and chills that conveniently struck me at night and hid it from my parents. It was school break and I did not want them to stop me from going out with my friends. Finally, my sister who was also home for a visit noticed and they carted me off to the hospital – worried that I had dengue fever that was going around at that time. I was not unaware, I even read up on it  and I reasoned: if I had dengue, I would be dying right now.

D. says it’s not something to be proud of. Enduring pain because you want to save money or want to keep working/having fun is not admirable, it’s merely stupid and reckless. And he’s right.

In my irrational point of view though, I always think: It’s just pain, just endure it and it will go away. As if I could submit an infection to my will. So, when I started crying involuntarily at the slightest tinge of movement, I saw it as a weakness and apologized. It wasn’t until the doctor said, “We’ll need to operate immediately to remove the cyst” when I realized I may have gone too far. And I did not have the strength to say, “Just give me antibiotics, I’ll wait until I get my insurance card” because at a level 10 pain, I just wanted it done. And it was done.

As I’ve said, the memory has faded. And I found myself, battling another infection because I just can’t stop. And I’m mad at my body for betraying me. This body that has carried me for so long, subject to my will, is starting to show its edges. It’s telling me to slow down, take a deep breath and learn to let go. Whether I want to or not, I have to start learning.

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2 Responses to “Level 10”

  1. shalimar August 8, 2011 at 9:58 am #

    stress a killer.. that makes me re assess my current job…

  2. cielo November 10, 2012 at 1:10 am #

    My dear, learn to listen to your body: it does give us much-needed warnings. Take care; take extra care!

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